Thursday, January 29, 2009
It's a Public Service, Really
Monday, January 26, 2009
GW Shout Out, Love NCIS
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Ain't That the Truth
Visitors, Don't Poke the Locals; Just Walk Left
By Monica Hesse
Washington Post Staff Writer
Friday, January 16, 2009; C12
Dear Visiting Tourist:
Please stand on the right.
It is hard to properly convey how important that will be for your time here for the inauguration, so please just comply. When you are on a Metro escalator, boarding a Metro train or doing anything remotely affiliated with the transit authority's symbol, then please stand single file on the right and pass on the left.
Please do not say you are visiting "The Smithsonian." There are 14 Smithsonian museums on or around the Mall. Each is a totally different experience. Saying you are visiting "The Smithsonian" is like saying you are visiting "The Sweater" at JCPenney.
Please do not purchase or wear a shirt reading "FBI" or "You Don't Know Me! (Property of Federal Witness Protection Program)." If you must, purchase said shirt from a street vendor instead of spending $24 --
Sorry -- you knew that one already, didn't you? You never ever would have done that anyway. Sorry, sorry.
We're just a little on edge. It's not that we hate tourists. Not like New Yorkers do, with their Born-Here-Die-Here possessiveness. No, far from that. We actually have affection for you.
Many of us Washingtonians are transplants ourselves. We, too, come from Iowa or North Carolina. We, too, were once excited to learn that D.C. has a Hard Rock Cafe. (We went! We liked it! Once.) We see you in your non-ironic Keds, struggling to find your white paper farecard because you didn't know you would need it to exit the station, and our hearts involuntarily beat, My people! My people!
We want you to do well here. We want you to represent.
Please do not stroll. Please do not mutter, "Whoa, where's the fire, Buddy?" when someone is walking faster than you. You do not want to be that guy.
Please do not think you saw Will Smith. Most of the time when you think you see someone movie-star famous in D.C., you are wrong. Most of the time when you think you see a retired principal, it is someone famous. Like this guy: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Henry_Waxman. He is famous. His name is Henry Waxman.
(Note: For the inauguration, you may actually see someone movie-star famous. Just be careful.)
Hey, you say. These are the most pointless tips I have ever read. I only started it because I thought I was going to learn something useful, like where to get a burger at 2 a.m. (Ben's Chili Bowl) You are dumb.
Please do not judge the tips. The tips are here to help you.
Please do not take pictures of the Supreme Court. It will remind us of the time we took a picture of the Department of the Treasury, and also make us feel guilty for never going inside the Supreme Court like we'd planned. (Note: You used to be able to tell the difference between the two because people prayed the rosary outside the Supreme Court, but they might start doing that any day now outside Treasury, too.)
The tips are here to help us, too. Washington is an imposing place, with a wonky and complex culture that is hard to understand. We worked hard to assimilate, and have only recently adjusted. At chaotic times like this, with administration changes and party changes and an influx of a whole bunch of new guys, we are all a little off-kilter. We all feel a little like tourists.
Seriously, guys, on the right. Single file.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
And Over the Bridge From Flushing to the Capitol Hill Door
Give It to The Nanny: Why Drescher Is Better Than Kennedy
So it looks like Irish bootlegging scion Caroline Kennedy might have this New York Senate appointment all wrapped up. If you've been paying attention at all, you know this is a disaster, primarily because the only political thing Caroline Kennedy’s ever done is be conceived by one of America’s most beloved presidents.
With Kennedy as the probable pick, other Senate hopefuls must be dejected, none more than former The Nanny star Fran Drescher, who’d thrown her unlikely hat into the ring early last month. We're a bit disappointed, too. Franny may not have been more qualified than Andrew Cuomo, but she's definitely as, if not more, qualified than Kennedy. Don't believe us? Let us count the ways.
She beat cancer
In 2000, Drescher was diagnosed with uterine cancer, which she eventually overcame and wrote about in her second bestseller Cancer Schmancer. One of the most important problems the government is going to have to address in the coming years is the health care dilemma. Who better to help broach this insanely complicated policy question than someone who’s traversed the Byzantine American medical system herself?
She’s a female celebrity, too
Not that that should matter, but some people are saying that Hillary’s replacement should also be a well-known woman, so we’re just putting it out there.
She's familiar with the criminal justice system
No stranger to hardship, years before she was afflicted by cancer, Drescher was raped at gunpoint in her Los Angeles apartment. Hurt but unwilling to shrink from fear, Drescher pressed charges and eventually saw her attacker go to prison. Despite having a law degree, the never-practicing Caroline Kennedy's not once seen the inside of a courtroom. Drescher, on the other hand, has been in the thick of American criminal justice and could address the system's woes from a fresh perspective.
She's written two books
Not sure why, but Caroline Kennedy mentions the fact that she's written books whenever she's asked about her political qualifications. Fran Drescher's not written as many books as Kennedy, but she's authored two huge hits. So there's that.
She started two nonprofits
After beating cancer, Drescher founded two nonprofit organizations dedicated to helping other women diagnose cancer in stage one, when it is most susceptible to treatment. She's now president of the boards of both, where she works in conjunction with a famous honorary board member you've perhaps heard of: Hillary Rodham Clinton.
She's a born and raised New Yorker
Unlike Caroline Kennedy, who bounced around quite frequently after being born in New York, Fran Drescher was born in Queens and stayed there until her early 20s. After spending some time in LA, Drescher moved back to New York and has been here since. As for Kennedy, although she's now resided in New York for quite some time, she hasn't lived anywhere besides the luxurious Upper East Side, a locale both geographically and financially far away from the real ills of New York. Never trust a New Yorker who's never seen a man shitting in the street.