You're So Gourmet And You Don't Even Know It

First, let me thank Lady Lindsey for introducing me to Aaron Karo, recovering frat boy. Not that I have a problem with current frat boys, but that is just is current position in life. Oh, and he's a comedian... and publishes this really funny newsletter called "Ruminations" which is now in it's tenth year. Here are some highlights from one his special 10th Anniversary emails featuring a glossary of some of his most well-known terms...

-“Appetizer Russian Roulette”
When you’re ordering first and you’re not sure whether to gamble and get an appetizer – thus risking sitting there eating while the other person is not. [#47, 2003]

-“Bloodbath”
An event of epic drunken debauchery, as in, “Dude, New Year’s Eve is gonna be a fucking bloodbath!” See also “DBD” and “Match Day.” [#83, 2005]

-“Booty Call Button”
The feature on my old Nokia that let me quickly turn off my outgoing Caller ID, thus blocking my identity from being revealed in the missed call logs of chicks I tried to hit up at 4am but who didn’t pick up. [#35, 2002]

-“The Code of AFS”
AFS stands for Anything For a Story. All guys operate implicitly under the Code of AFS, which requires them, while hooking up, to try do something weird or outrageous just so they can tell their friends about it later. See also “Total Recall.” [#96, 2006]

-“DBD”
Stands for Don’t Be Dumb. Traditionally, I write the acronym DBD in black Sharpie on the back of my left hand before any night of drinking I predict will turn into a total bloodbath. This is meant to remind me during moments of severe inebriation not to do or say anything stupid. Has almost never worked. [#98, 2006]

-“Drive of Shame”
A variation on the walk of shame in which you have to awkwardly drive the other person home in the morning. [#103, 2006]

-“Fredding”
A wedding where many of the male guests are frat brothers of the groom (derived from the words “fraternity” plus “wedding”). Freddings often involve a lot more drinking and the occasional tuxedo-clad human pyramid. [#69, 2005]

-“The Get-Out-Of-Life-Free Card”
When your completely directionless friend who has never before expressed any interest in studying law but really doesn’t want to get a job all of a sudden decides to take the LSATs. [#34, 2002]

-“Gourmet”
Originally coined at Penn by me and my buddy Roby while we were pledging together in the spring of 1998. Used as a synonym for “dope,” as in, “Check out that chick by the bar, she’s gourmet!” After I first introduced the term in Ruminations, I was thrilled when fans wrote me to say they were trying to inject it into conversation as much as possible. Now, whenever I hear someone describe a girl or a new pair of sneakers as gourmet, I think back to Roby and I as pledges sitting around in our own filth. Which is totally not gourmet. [#52, 2004]

-“Halloween Walk of Shame”
When you hook up on Halloween and then have to stumble home the next morning wearing your costume. [#35, 2002]

-“Hide-the-Beer Day”
The day before Family Weekend in college that you spend emptying the alcohol out of your fridge, throwing out all the empties on your coffee table, and taking down all the pictures of you drunk off your ass from the wall. [#3, 1997]

-“Laying Groundwork’
Initiating contact with a girl via email or text message approximately one week before you are likely to see each other, thereby making it seem like you aren’t all of a sudden calling her out of the blue to try to hook up once you get in to town. [#96, 2006]

-“Look for the Ring”
The act of looking at the hand of the chick you’re hitting on see if she’s wearing an engagement or wedding ring. Doing this never even occurs to most guys until they’re about twenty-four and accidentally hit on a married chick for the first time. [#34, 2002]

-“Match Day”
Annual event in March when fourth-year med students find out where they “match” – i.e. where in the country they will be spending the next five years of their lives as residents. After matching, said med students go out and get obliterated. In 2005, Match Day fell on both the first day of the NCAA tournament and St. Patrick’s Day, making it an absolute bloodbath for newly minted doctors. [#66, 2005]

-“RDI”
Stands for Random Drunken Injury. Occurs when you get fucked up, hurt yourself, and then the next day have no idea why you have a sprained ankle. [#48, 2003]

-“Refill Limbo”
Occurs when you’re having casual drinks with friends, they order another round from the waitress, but you still have 3/7 of your beer remaining and are momentarily unable to decide whether to order or pass. [#44, 2003]

-“The SAT Bet”
In our junior year of high school, my friend Eric bet Brian that he could not break 1400 on the SATs. Brian ending up getting exactly 1400. Eric subsequently claimed that getting 1400 is technically not “breaking 1400” and that a 1410 was needed to win the bet. Brian argues that scoring a 1400 is synonymous with breaking 1400. Personally, I agree with Brian, but almost twelve years later the argument continues and neither side has paid up. [#36, 2002]

-“Sexual Loitering”
When your one-night stand does not leave promptly the next morning. [#67, 2005]

-“Total Recall”
My theory that guys get more pleasure from remembering, telling, and re-telling the story of a crazy hook-up (under the Code of AFS) than they do from the actual hook-up itself. Derived from the plot of the movie Total Recall. [#59, 2004]

-“Wasted Happy Hour Chick”
Girl who comes straight from work to the bar and is still there at midnight even though her colleagues are all gone, she’s lost a shoe, and she’s been carrying around her laptop bag for seven hours. Easy prey and can usually be found dancing wildly by herself in the corner. [#66, 2005]