WE'RE THE SOURCE!!!Real people are getting into costumes to protect this planet, ladies and gentlemen, and I’m happy to say that it’s my job (for some reason) to find out their secret identities.
For my methods, I’ve tirelessly researched the histories behind 4 popular heroes and crosschecked some facts of their secret identities with well-known facts about public figures to come up with the likely candidates. Brace yourselves, sports fans, because I’m about to blow some of the most successful cover-ups in history wide open.
Captain America is one of the most respected heroes in the Marvel Universe. The result of a military program designed to build an army of Super Soldiers, Captain America isn’t so much a superhero as much as he is the strongest, fastest and most powerful human being around operating on levels just slightly higher than those of above average athletes. Fighting bravely in World War II, Steve Rogers’s triumphant success against foreign oppression established him as a beloved American icon.
The Lowdown:
The Real Captain America is a confident and powerful symbol of American Superiority with a remarkably strong chin…
Lance Armstrong
Named “Greatest Fucking Athlete” by every magazine that ranks athletes, Armstrong possesses both the physical strength and the ability to kick ass in foreign countries that Marvel’s Captain America practically bleeds. No, Lance Armstrong isn’t bitchslapping a bunch of Nazis, but he is making a whole lot of French people look stupid year after year after year, (they fucking love biking), which is just as good if not better.
A look at Armstrong’s physical attributes reads like the back of a Captain America Marvel Card, (if Captain America dated Sheryl Crow once). While the average human’s maximal oxygen consumption is between 40 and 50, Armstrong’s is 83.8 and his heart is about 30% larger than the average heart. He also has what Dr. Wikipedia describes as an unusually low lactate level. During intense training in racers, lactic acid builds up and slows a normal human down, but Armstrong’s body for some reason (magic?) doesn’t produce as much lactic acid as your average human. Without getting any more sciencey on anyone’s ass, Armstrong is, long story short, in better physical condition than you could ever dream of being. You might say, he’s performing at levels remarkably higher than those of the above average human. (Or you could skip the subtle innuendo and just say Lance Armstrong is Captain America. Lance Armstrong is Captain America.) And if you think Captain America wouldn’t approve of Lance Armstrong dominating the puny, harmless French well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to present Exhibit Go Fuck Yourself:
The defense rests. Bitches.
Other Possibilities:
Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terrific shape, but disqualified for obvious reasons.)
The man under the Iron Man mask is the brilliant and mustachioed Tony Stark, a well-educated weapons designer with a fortune that Forbes puts somewhere in the “metric buttloads.” Stark uses his considerable wealth and highly-developed brain to constantly work on his iron suit, adapting it to fit any situation. While Iron Man is known for his support of justice and his hatred for communism and corporate crimes, Tony Stark is known for his support of drinking and touching hella boobies and his hatred for things that get in the way of either one.
The Lowdown:
The Real Iron Man has to be a brilliant and rich womanizer with a successful empire and an impeccable moustache…
Dov Charney
For those who don’t know, Dov Charney is the super rich, incredibly eccentric founder and CEO of American Apparel. (Granted, he designs clothing instead of missiles, but Marvel was most likely acutely aware of the fact that a comic about a witty, playboy polo-shirt-salesmen just wouldn’t sell.) When you ignore the difference between Stark’s weapons and Charney’s clothing, you’ll see just how staggering the similarities are. Both men are fast-paced entrepreneurs who built their empires from scratch and are notorious for their suave business savvy. Further, while Tony Stark took heat and received praise for refusing to sell weapons to terrorists, Charney received a similarly mixed reaction when he decided to pay his workers fair wages and by refusing to outsource. Two men, two successful businesses despite nontraditional practices, two facial-hair-champions.
Also, the womanizing. Iron Man comics are loaded with evidence of Stark’s shameless, near-constant boning of any woman who crosses his path, and Charney has had five sexual harassment lawsuits launched against him and once masturbated in front of an interviewer for Jane Magazine. It’s safe to assume that if masturbating in front of interviewers was permitted in Marvel Comics, Tony Stark would be the one guilty of it.
Other Possibilities:
Tom Selleck.
Bruce Wayne is a martial arts expert, and, while the exact amount of Wayne’s empire is rarely stated in either comics, movies or shows, a 2002 Forbes article estimates his net worth at $6.3 Billion. What also can’t be ignored is Batman’s trademark lunacy. Sure, he’s got pretty serious toys, but he’s also pretty seriously deranged so we’re looking for someone damaged.
The Lowdown:
The Real Batman has to be tough, wealthy and slightly crazy…
Christian Bale
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. No, it’s not just because Bale plays Batman on screen, and it’s not just because I happen to have a Texas-sized man-crush on him, (though, if you’re reading this Bale, I think you and I would make excellent friends and we should hang out or whatever). He actually almost didn’t make this list. Sure, he had a lot of the important qualities down- his status as a successful movie star provides him the wealth, he can kick some serious ass, and his well-documented activism is nothing if not reminiscent of Bruce Wayne’s celebrated philanthropy and generosity- but Bale just didn’t seem crazy enough to be Batman.
Until recently, that is. Yesterday, July 22nd, Christian Bale was taken into police custody on allegations that he attacked his sister and 61 year old mother. Now, what kind of man Is crazy enough to attack his own, aging mother? The same kind of man who’s crazy enough to put on little bat ears and beat the piss out of clowns, that’s what kind.
Other Possibilities:
Christian Bale.
The most popular hero in the Marvel catalogue, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man can be seen swinging from building to building all throughout New York, (the rest of the world is not under his jurisdiction, which is really handy, because all of the world’s greatest villains focus 100% of their efforts on NYC). He’s short, agile and quick-witted, but he’s still generally hated by the people of New York.
Out of costume, Peter Parker is a whiny, shy, self-deprecating science nerd who generally just wants to be liked. He is, for the most part, awkward around girls but has remarkable luck with one insanely hot redhead, Mary Jane.
The Lowdown:
The Real Spider-Man has to be short, awkward and nerdy, but must also have an impossibly impressive track record for redheads way out of his league…
Dennis Kucinich
Former presidential hopeful Kucinich’s short stature and his elf-like agility make him the perfect fit for the webbed wall-crawler. Also, have you ever noticed that no one has ever seen Spider-Man and Kucinich in the same room? Beyond that, no one actually knows what Kucinich does or where he goes at night, (though, to be fair, he’s so damn creepy-looking that no one really wants to ask).
Above: A young Kucinich with Bugle employee Robbie Robertson.
His political career featured a strong focus on environmental renewal and clean energy, two causes that any self-respecting man of science would fight for. Further, his inability to carry a single state in the 2004 primary as well as the depressing failure that was his 2008 campaign, (MSNBC disinvited Kucinich from a presidential debate), prove that Kucinich is just as universally disliked as Spider-Man.
Also, there is absolutely no reason for the super fox that is Mrs. Kucinich to marry him apart from super powers. That’s just common sense.
Other Possibilities:
Daniel O’Brien.
There you have it, folks. I am hereby demanding that Lance Armstrong, Christian Bale, Dov Charney and Dennis Kucinich come out and formally admit their status as costumed superheroes.
America’s waiting, gentlemen.
GIVEN the opportunity, the exuberant designer Betsey Johnson would be wearing ruby slippers just about anywhere.
That “The Wizard of Oz” is probably her favorite movie for fashion inspiration goes without saying. She once designed a collection that included the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and Dorothy (played by her daughter, Lulu) leading a rented Toto for the occasion.
“And those little Munchkins, I mean, really!” said Ms. Johnson, who is among a group of 20 designers now recreating Dorothy’s glittering ruby slips to commemorate the 70th anniversary of “The Wizard of Oz” next year. The consumer products division of Warner Brothers and Swarovski, the crystal company, came up with the promotion to benefit the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation, with an auction planned in the fall of 2009.
Until then, the shoes will cover more ground than a Kansan in a tornado, with appearances at Saks Fifth Avenue and in Bryant Park in New York during the September fashion shows, at Art Basel Miami Beach in December and elsewhere next year.
Two pairs of each shoe, by designers like Oscar de la Renta, Diane Von Furstenberg and Manolo Blahnik, will be produced for the auction, said Brad Globe, the president of the Warner Brothers consumer products division, which has increasingly reached out to fashion designers to update the look of its stable of characters. (Ms. Von Furstenberg, for example, is working on a collection inspired by Wonder Woman.)
Ms. Johnson’s design was a slipper made into a high heel, “as high as I could go, as sparkly as I could go and as fun and full of polka dots and a tulle bow as I could make them,” she said. A sketch for a Jimmy Choo shoe is far more sedate, showing a red snakeskin pump with a caged toe.
Amy Smilovic, the designer of the contemporary fashion line Tibi, said she chose to add a spat to a pump, creating a sort of low boot with a cutout at the heel.
“We did ours in red crocodile so it would have a luxury feel,” Ms. Smilovic said. “And we added a flower for a more feminine look. We made Dorothy look tough and feminine at the same time, because she was pretty tough-looking in that gingham dress.”
Get ready Jen...twenty-two years after the hit action film was released, Tom Cruise has reportedly been asked to reprise his role as cocky fighter-pilot Maverick for a follow-up. I wonder if Iceman will be back too?
In honor of this possible sequel, here are some memorable quotes from the original:
That's right! Ice... man. I am dangerous.
It's classified. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
That's a negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full.
Take me to bed or lose me forever.
Communicating. Keeping up foriegn relations. You know, giving him the bird!
By WENN, July 16 2008Smash-hit Broadway musical Wicked is set to become the latest stageshow to be turned into a major movie.
Hot on the heels of Chicago, Hairspray and Mamma Mia!, the Wizard of Oz-related musical is to be turned a new Universal film, with producers Marc Platt and Stephen Schwartz.
But Universal boss Donna Langley insists fans will have to wait some time to see the film - because Platt and Schwarz are determined to take their time to ensure the movie repeats the success of the New York show that inspired the project.
Langley tells Variety magazine, "Our goal now is absolutely to make the Wicked film, but... Marc and Stephen Schwartz are very mindful of the right timing. But we're dying to do it."
Probably one of the greatest inventions ever, as I can't seem to get enough of it, does anyone really know the origin? According to Wikipedia: "Many claim the inventors, or at least the popularizers, of the "high five" were Wiley Brown and Derek Smith, who played on the University of Louisville's 1980 National Championship basketball team. Smith and Brown began high fiving during practice, and as Louisville made it's run in the tournament the entire team began to do it in games. The story was recently recounted on ESPN's Sportscenter on July 11th, 2008 during it's "Titletown" segment featuring Louisville."
Anywho... several are well deserved with news like this:
NEWS/TALK 630 WMAL NOMINATED FOR 2 NATIONAL RADIO AWARDS!
The Washington, DC region’s major News/Talk station, 630 WMAL, was again honored today to receive two prestigious National Association of Broadcasters Marconi Radio Awards nominations. For the second year in a row, The Grandy & Andy Morning Show is a finalist in the category of “Major Market Personality of the Year.” And 630 WMAL is the only AM station in the country to be nominated in the category of “Major Market Station of the Year.”
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Former White House press secretary Tony Snow -- who once told reporters "I'm a very lucky guy" -- died at the age of 53 early Saturday after a second battle with cancer.
Snow, who had been undergoing chemotherapy treatments for a recurrence of the disease, left his White House job September 14, 2007, and joined CNN in April as a conservative commentator.
President Bush said Saturday that he and first lady Laura Bush were "deeply saddened" by Snow's death.
"The Snow family has lost a beloved husband and father. And America has lost a devoted public servant and a man of character," the president said in a statement.
"It was a joy to watch Tony at the podium each day."
Snow's successor, White House press secretary Dana Perino, said, "The White House is so deeply saddened by this loss. He was a great friend and colleague and a fantastic press secretary. And his dear family is in our thoughts and prayers."
In 2007, Chief of Staff Josh Bolten had told senior White House staffers that unless they could commit to staying until Bush leaves office in January 2009, they should leave by Labor Day 2007, so Snow resigned.
In parting comments to reporters at his final White House news conference, Snow said, "I feel great."
He also called the job "the most fun I've ever had."
Snow said he was leaving the White House position to make more money for his family. His White House salary was $168,000.
Snow was first diagnosed with colon cancer in February 2005. His colon was removed, and after six months of treatment, doctors said the cancer was in remission.
A recurrence of the illness was diagnosed 11 months after he began the White House media job, and he underwent five weeks of treatment before resuming his daily briefings to the press corps. He was greeted with applause upon his return.
"Not everybody will survive cancer," Snow told the reporters, "but on the other hand, you have got to realize you've got the gift of life, so make the most of it. That is my view, and I'm going to make the most of my time with you."
Perino announced March 27, 2007, that Snow's cancer had recurred, and said doctors had removed a growth from his abdomen the day before.
Bush tapped Snow to replace Scott McClellan in April 2006.
Snow had been an anchor for "Fox News Sunday" and a political analyst for Fox News Channel, which he joined in 1996. He also hosted "The Tony Snow Show" on Fox News Radio.
Snow took a significant pay cut to take the job of press secretary and talked publicly about the financial sacrifices he made. He explained he felt he needed to make more money to help his family, which included children readying for college.
Snow was known for his candor.
In a November 11, 2005, column, Snow wrote that Bush's "wavering conservatism has become an active concern among Republicans, who wish he would stop cowering under the bed and start fighting back against the likes of Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Joe Wilson."
"The newly passive George Bush has become something of an embarrassment," Snow's column said.
"I asked him about those comments," joked the president at the time of Snow's appointment. "And he said, 'You should have heard what I said about the other guy.'"
Bush said Snow's long career as a journalist helped him understand "the importance of the relationship between government and those whose job it is to cover the government."
Robert Anthony Snow was born June 1, 1955, in Berea, Kentucky, and was raised in Cincinnati, Ohio. When he was 17, his mother died of colon cancer. She was 38.
After receiving a bachelor's degree in philosophy from Davidson College near Charlotte, North Carolina, in 1977, Snow pursued graduate work in philosophy and economics at the University of Chicago.
He worked as an editorial writer and editor at several newspapers, including The Washington Times and the Detroit News. He wrote a column in Detroit, and later wrote a syndicated column.
Snow joined the administration of Bush's father, George H.W. Bush, in 1991, first as chief speech writer and later as deputy assistant to the president for media affairs.
Snow became a television personality when he launched his news shows on Fox in 1993.
When he returned to work April 30, 2007, after the second cancer diagnosis, a usually articulate and loquacious Snow stumbled to find words.
"You never anticipate this stuff," he said. "It just happens."
"I want to thank you all. It really meant the world to me. Anybody who does not not believe that thoughts and prayers make a difference, they're just wrong."
He then prefaced a discussion of his health by saying, "I'm a very lucky guy."
Outside of work, Snow played the guitar, saxophone and flute, and was in a band called Beats Workin' with other Washington professionals.
Snow is survived by his wife, Jill Walker, and three children.
Free Slurpee Day, Friday 7/11/08 ...get it 7/11! Just in time for the move!
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Joe E. Tata is cooking again in the role of Peach Pit diner owner Nat for the new incarnation of "Beverly Hills 90210." Tata, who was part of the original series that aired from 1990 to 2000 on Fox, said Tuesday he was wrapping up his scenes for the pilot episode of CW's version of the show. The part represents "lightning striking twice," he said.
Just to fill you all in on the grand adventure resulting in a busted hoof (hope I didn't spoil the ending for anyone:
that moment, but since we were up at 3 I figured to let the day one hike begin.
e current. He will never let that story die. Bringing his GF Krista down, we of course had to share the tale with her(better than baby pictures)
Ha not so.... so we continue the hike crossing the river and through the wild grapevines, snapping shots off where we could. And a mere 500 ft from our final destination ... beaver....it happens. The trail narrows while a stream runs parallel to the trail about a foot below. My foot starts to slide on the clay-like mud and I hear the pops of my right foot; like rice krispies on steroids.
hile my foot continued to swell. It was quite an impressive feat!
he was clearly exhausted. As we realized we put the stakes in the wrong holes, on our tent being pitched right in the town square, we were approached by a couple informing us of the allegedly rampant tribe drug and crime incidents. They invited us to stay with them for the night. So Grant, myself and my 5'3 crutches eagerly accepted. They set us up in the village church!
helicopter ride.
